Always fight for yourself

The life of a student isn’t easy, we have assignments and exams, and we’re caught in a battle between immersing ourselves fully into work and actually living life. Many of us are learning to look after ourselves. We start planning when to eat, when to sleep, when to do laundry, whether we want to go to 9ams and so much more. The life of a student really isn’t easy, despite what some people say, but the life of a student with ill mental health can sometimes feel impossible. Whether that’s because you’re finding it difficult to get out of bed or your university seems to have a vendetta against you. So, although not mandatory, you may want to sit down for this story…

“We had to break confidentiality”

That was what my college nurse told me in our meeting, as if I hadn’t already noticed when my parents came knocking on my door after driving the 80 miles to my university. Admittedly, I had a few bad days but I was managing. I’d reached out for help when necessary, I had kept myself safe and the hurricane in my mind was starting to settle.

A couple nights beforehand I had reached out to an NHS crisis line after having quite an awful evening. I’d cancelled something that I was looking forward to and I’d missed my first work deadline. I felt so disappointed and angry that I didn’t know what to do with myself, or at least I didn’t know what to do that wouldn’t leave me in a worse position, so I found myself staring at my wall. Luckily, I know myself fairly well. The number for this crisis line was jammed into my pinboard and after a few attempts at calling and a few minutes listening to the awful hold music, I was connected to someone who (after taking a stupid amount of generic information about me) helped me feel a little better. After this conversation, I made myself a bit safer and then proceeded to go to bed, feeling proud that I hadn’t been too self-destructive…..or so I thought.

The day after I was rejuvinated, I went to lectures, my practical and my class. I was even looking forward to my MATLAB class and my saturday lectures, but of course this happiness was not to last. Just before I started to get ready for the class, I heard a tentative knock on my door and opened it to find my worried mum. Apparently my college nurse had broken confidentialty and called my parents as she thought I was ‘high risk’ after hearing about the call I had made 2 nights before. I found it quite funny that despite how ‘high risk’ I apparently was, she thought it best to wait the 3 hours for my parents to arrive to talk to them instead of checking that I was still breathing, but that’s just my opinion.

When they arrived and told me why they were there and what the suggested remedy would be, I was rightfully pissed off. My senior tutor and college nurse had decided that an interruption of studies would be best for me. I went into the meeting with them absolutely furious which only got worse after hearing some of the wildly incorrect information that they were basing their decision off of.

Truth or False

The person who has seen me most frequently and knows me best made the suggestion for me to intermit: FALSE –> I’ve seen this person 3 times and they nothing about me

The crisis team had to visit me because I was sooooo high risk: FALSE –> no one came to visit me, the crisis line must have believed me to be fairly safe so I don’t need to intermit.

Due to my ill health, I’m not engaging fully in university life: FALSE –> I’m a member of multiple committees, I got to societies AND I do my studies so I DON’T NEED TO INTERMIT.

Even though I’m already doing quite well and despite the fact I already took a year out, interupting my studies for a year would solve all my problems : FALSE –> Just no.

Overall:

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD INTERMIT

Reaching out for help was something I felt so proud about as it really doesn’t come easily to me. Frankly, I now feel like I’m being punished for trying and that my trust in the people who are supposedly helping me has completely gone.

As I wouldn’t agree to their ‘suggestion’, I have a fitness to study panel next week. To prepare I’ve written letters, created timetables and made plans as I am going to FIGHT FOR MYSELF. I know that I am well enough to stay and soon, they’ll know too.