Why I hate summer: The other side of mental health

CN: self-harm and scars, discussion of mental health, body image

I was about 12 when I started self-harming. Back then my scars could be explained away as paper cuts or scratches, however, 8 years down the line, that is no longer the case. While I could focus on why I’ve self-harmed and what led me to it in the first place, I think the aftermath is something that is rarely focused on but still plays a large role in my mental health and my general wellbeing.

For as long as I can remember, my body has been a source of major disappointment and unhappiness, and I’ve always worried about what others think about it. A lot of the time, I can reassure myself that people aren’t looking at my thighs or my hips or the multitude of things I hate about my body, but the thought of others seeing my scars invokes a sense of fear and anxiety that I don’t think is comparable. Unlike people seeing my body in general, I worry that if someone sees my scars, they’ll think I’m unworthy or tainted.

Right now, my scars are the most visible aspect of my mental health. As much I try to convince myself that my mental health doesn’t make me less of a person or underserving of love and affection and happiness, the way I think about my scars shows I am a long way from truly thinking that. Funnily enough, like most things I talk about, this comes back to stigma.

Anyways, this leads me on to why I hate summer. Aside from the fact I really don’t like the living things that buzz, and I seem to stop functioning in heat, the thing that makes summer almost unbearable is the internal battle it brings. In summer, shorts and short sleeves are the norm, so much so that straying from the norm often leads to questions, which leads to lies which only adds to my shame. Summer seems to reduce my options to lying, feeling that I’ll always be seen as damaged and undeserving, or both, and frankly those are all conducive to continuing a pattern of self-harm.

At the end of the day, I don’t really think I hate summer, if anything I can’t stand certain aspects of me. But, I’m working on it.