Tired

CN: In depth discussion of mental health and indirect mentions of suicide

“I’m tired”.  I say this a lot.  To me, the definition of “tired” is multifaceted. It’s rarely related to the state of being sleepy and, even if it is, that’s only surface level.

Right now, I’m exhausted and while I do in fact want to sleep, that’s mostly because it limits the amount of time I have to be awake. Tiredness can mean I’m tired of existing, tiredness can mean that I’m drained from trying to keep myself together, tiredness can mean I have no energy to do anything except wallow in how tired I am.

Usually my “tiredness” will subside over a period of time but, while I am like this, it feels never-ending. It feels like this will be every minute, every second of my life for the rest of my life. While I’m like this I can barely remember a time before this feeling set in and, evidently, I can’t imagine a time that will succeed it.

I hate being like this. In addition to not being able to function properly, I feel like I become a worse friend, and a worse person. I feel like no one would, or should, ever want to be around me. I feel like I let everyone down and that my existence just harms everyone else. In fact, I recently read a note I wrote about a year and a half ago, which was probably not the best idea considering my current mental stability, and it echoed these thoughts exactly and exuded so much guilt, self-doubt and self-blame. If I take the time to think about these thoughts, I can almost reassure myself that I’m being irrational, but this rationality is quickly overshadowed.

In the future, I might write some more about this, maybe I’ll just add to this. However, I am currently extremely tired and I’m going to try to go to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow comes quickly and is a much better day.