Do I know how I feel?

How am I feeling? This is a question that I ask myself frequently but rarely get an answer to. I know when I’m feeling something, but I often find it really hard to identify what it is, and this can be really frustrating, and sometimes distressing.

Usually, I can ignore it, or I can make an educated guess on the basic emotions I’m experiencing, for example, if I’m crying I might be sad or if my heart is racing I might be anxious. However, I often find that the more intense my emotional reactions get, the more complicated and harder to identify they get. The other day, for example, I was crying down the phone to a crisis line after spending hours contemplating all the awful things I could do to myself. At one point, the voice at the end of the line asked me “why are you crying?” and my mind went blank. I knew I wanted to hurt, but I couldn’t tell why.

I know I’m not alone in this, but it’s still disconcerting to feel like you’re an alien in your own mind. It’s like waking up on a rocketship with no idea where you’re going or how you got there. Where your only choices are to stay along for ride, however tumultuous; close your eyes and pretend it’s not happening – which stops working after a while; or open the escape hatch and jump out to what you hope isn’t your impending doom.