Poor Mental Health, Poor Work-Life Balance

CN: medication, suicidal thoughts

I have an awful work-life balance. To an extent, that is because there is not enough time in my day to do everything I want to get done. However, a large part of my poor work-life balance is intrinsically linked to when I am experiencing poor mental health.

I did not realise this relationship until recently. Only in the past few weeks have I properly opened up to a psychiatrist about experiences that I have had for years. During this patient-doctor interaction, I was prescribed medication for the first time in a while. We talked through side effects and settled on a medication that generally had fewer. However, one of the potential side effects of this medication was restlessness. I was started on a low dose, told that any restlessness would likely pass and had an appointment agreed upon for a couple of months’ time. Despite my hesitations following a year of no medication, I picked up my prescription and started taking it.

Within a few days, the restlessness hit. It was accompanied by an overwhelming increase in brain fog and a frequency and severity increase in my previously tame and relatively infrequent suicidal thoughts. I could not sit still for 5 minutes, could barely form complete thoughts, and any thoughts I was having were overwhelming. Every 5 minutes I would have to get up and move or cry about the dark thoughts consuming my mind. As much as I found it difficult, work became one of the few things that could occupy me, and I became scared about what I would do when not working.

I have now stopped that medication because the side effects were untenable, but it has still made me reflect on my mental state – both currently and in the past. Although I am now less plagued by restlessness, brain fog and suicidal thoughts, I have recognised that I have been experiencing all 3. I have also noticed that the worse my mental health gets in general, the more need to occupy myself and the more I work. This is unsustainable. I know that I need to address any issues instead of burying myself in work. I just need a way to break the pattern.