29/02/20 – My college could have killed me
CN: Suicide mention, mental health discussion
If you don’t know me, and my university experience so far, you might think that I’m joking. That is not the case, in fact my experience is a testament as to why universities need to care more about the welfare of their students and to have policies that reflect that.
At the beginning of this term my fitness to study was called into question. For context, I’ve experienced mental illness for over 5 years. For me, the symptoms associated with this often include self-harm, suicidal ideation and general emotional distress; however, with support from friends, family and mental health services I have been learning to manage this. I’ve now reached a point where I have minimal desire to make an attempt on my own life and this is the longest period I’ve had without an attempt since 2015. Basically, even though I may have a few bad days, I’m doing quite well.
During the first couple weeks of Lent I had a few bad days, and in order to manage this I followed my crisis plan (a crisis plan is basically a list of what to do when you’re feeling more unwell) which includes me contacting my care worker from mental health services, who also liaises with the powers that be in college. This is something that I would do again, as managing my safety is important to me. However, what I didn’t expect was the mental health specialist who visits college (and also works with my care worker) to contact my college nurse saying “it’s impossible to ensure [I’m] safe within college”, despite them not knowing all the facts and their actions being a major contributor to my lower mood at the time – such as berating me for not putting my self in a risky situation . My college nurse contacted the senior tutor who then suspended my studies pending a fitness to study panel (and now an appeal).
Frankly all of this has been very frustrating and upsetting, but what I’m most angry about is how a process meant to help keep me safe and to help me get ‘better’, as well as looking after the wellbeing of other in college, is doing the opposite.
Despite, apparently, being so high risk, my college were willing to wait the hours it took for my parents to arrive (of course they were contacted without telling me) and have a meeting with them before checking that I was ok or at least still alive. When we finally met, the senior tutor and nurse were adamant that intermission would be the best thing for health even though all my health care (and waiting lists) are in Cambridge and, due to the nature of my mental health, I’m unlikely to come back ‘better’ in a year. In addition, my views on the matter were barely acknowledged initially, even when we had established that many of their ‘facts’ weren’t accurate or true.
The next issue is that I was sent home with very minimal support, especially for someone they believed was at risk of suicide. Initially my parents and I were told that mental health services in my home area would contact me. This was later changed to: if you need support, contact them as they’re being made aware of the situation. This was eventually changed to: if you need support go to A&E. I came back home with much less support and if I were as unwell as they though, I probably wouldn’t be here.
A further issue is the vague, anxiety provoking policies. This applies to the university as a whole, not just my college. I spent hours trawling though policies and documents about the process on my college’s website, all the university websites, websites dedicated to freedom of information, news articles and so much more. I now have a copy of the University’s 1000-page Statutes and Ordinances and, as a physical NatSci, just a few pages of this is the longest thing I’ve read in a while that doesn’t have at least a couple equations on each page. Despite all this, I still don’t know much more about the fitness to study, and now appeals, process than I did before. I don’t know what the timescale is, I don’t know how I’ll be contacted, I don’t know what happens afterwards. I’m at a point where I can’t tell you what will happen in the next hour. I’ve frequently come back up to Cambridge to attend appointments and meet with people regarding the processm and every time I’ve come up, I’ve packed my bags just in case they allow me to stay.
We need all policies to be more transparent, less vague, and to put our welfare at the centre. For example, in my case, there would have been a conflict of interest between the mental health specialist and myself as they contributed to me feeling more unwell. It would have made sense for my college to suggest a secondary medical assessment from someone impartial, who wouldn’t be negatively impacted if the panel decided I was fit to study. It would have made sense to actually call the person that you’ve forced out of college because you thought they weren’t coping to check that they were. It would have made sense to keep someone’s name on the room ballot while they’re still in the process of appealing, or at least to tell them before sending out an email of the list with their name removed.
I know that no one at college was acting with malicious intent, at least I hope, and that my senior tutor and college nurse are both lovely people. However, they need to be more aware about the impact their processes have on a student’s wellbeing.
If I were as unwell as my college thought, this process would have killed me. I have cried every day, sometimes for hours at a time. It’s been anxiety provoking, stressful, tiring and has made me doubt myself, my abilities and whether I belong at this university.
Black Mental Me 
That happens in Canada and the US today, particularly if it involves students who are suicidal. It’s stigma, pure and simple.
LikeLike