Time – a short ramble

CN: brief mention of eating disorders and suicidal thoughts

The passing of time is such an odd concept, especially when it comes to mental health. Sometimes it can feel like time is going really quickly, sometimes incredibly slowly, sometimes backwards and sometimes a mix of all. I think “jumbled” is the best way to describe how time feels to me at the moment – I’m probably in the happiest place I’ve been in a very long time and it feels like a new beginning, but at the same time, I’m engaging in some behaviours that have seemingly plucked me out of my current timeline and put me back to where I was five years ago.

What takes up my time has also drastically changed over the years. Seven years ago, I’d probably be lying on my floor waiting for the day to end and thinking about ways to speed that up. Five years ago, I’d probably be sat at a dining table, where I had been for hours, with my anorexia-riddled thoughts preventing me from picking up the knife and fork. Three years ago, I’d be stressing about how to fill my time as someone briefly out of education but not consistently well enough to get a job. A year ago, I’d be sitting in my college room trying, and sometimes failing, to study whilst having little social contact due to a global pandemic. Now, I’m writing about time to pass the time.

I can’t help but wonder, with both tentative excitement and deep fear, what the future holds.