3 things you should know about eating disorders

Content Warning: in-depth discussion of eating disorders (NO weights or numbers, etc.), brief mention of suicidal thoughts

Eating disorders can be horrific, and I know this from my own personal experience. Over the past decade, disordered eating, and later anorexia, have controlled many aspects of my life including my time, my relationships, and my health. One thing that has really irked me over the years is the number of misconceptions around eating disorders that I’ve heard from family, friends, and even those you might think would know better, like mental health professionals. Based on what I’ve learnt and the gaps in knowledge I’ve seen, here are 3 things I think you should know about eating disorders.

1. Eating disorders are more than just body image and food

While the manifestations of eating disorders seem to revolve around food and body image, they are actually far more complicated. Even though much of my time when I’m struggling is spent doing things and thinking things related to my body, this means I don’t have time to think about anything else. Although this may seem like a bad thing, this means I don’t worry about what’s going wrong, how I’m feeling, or what I’m missing out on.

For me, the idea of being an annoying presence and infringing on other people’s lives has also played a major role in my eating disorder. In my head, if take up less space, I’ll be less of a burden. My eating disorder can also make me feel like I’m in control because I know what is likely to happen next and even if this is negative, it has still felt helpful when everything else is overwhelming.

At the end of the day, the disorder often leads to the complete opposite of the things I’ve mentioned, as people get worried and think about me more or my lack of energy eventually leads to a spiral of depression and anxiety. However, it initially feels like it’s solving many of my problems that are unrelated to food and my body image.

2. It can be all consuming

There have been times where eating just one meal could take hours.  There have been times where I’ve had many appointments in a week, times where I’ve spent hours crying over the idea of having to eat something and even times where I’ll spend hours watching videos of other people eating. My eating disorder has taken up a lot of my time.  

Interestingly, when I’m in the midst of an eating disorder episode, I don’t even notice what I’m missing out on. It’s only when looking back do I see and regret all the opportunities I’ve missed out on like socialising with friends, several aspects of my schooling, birthdays and enjoyable Christmases. Even when I’m not right in the middle of it, I still spend a lot of time worrying about if and when I’ll next relapse as recovery has many ups and downs.

3. It can sometimes feel good

Although this is technically part of the first point, it deserves one of its own as it’s one that even I find hard to understand.

This is probably related to me being a perfectionist, but there are many times where eating disorder-related behaviours and changes give me a warped sense of achievement. It can feel like a game that I’m trying to win and that even the things that should logically be negative, like that feeling hungry or tired or even lightheaded, can make me feel really proud of myself – like I’m successfully disordered.

Personally, I find this one of the hardest things to deal with when trying to recover because, while recovery is obviously a positive, it makes me feel like I’m failing and that’s something I’m not always good at dealing with. Sometimes this feeling of “failing” at my eating disorder makes me so bad that I want to end my life.

This is only the very tip of the iceberg of things I think are good to know about eating disorders and, of course, this is individual to me and my restrictive eating disorder. Other people will definitely have other thoughts, opinions and experiences.

If you’d like to know more or read more perspectives, you might want to check out Beat to start off with. They also have a range of different support services like helplines, a webchat and online groups.